Please, Be A Butthole Wife

so-close
So close, yet so far away. And wow does that camera capture all the dirty spots…

I was going to write a second post about gender this week, but my wife sent this to me and it was just too much to not comment on: http://herviewfromhome.com/stop-being-a-butthole-wife/

While I understand her grief, and I even understand the sentiment about not being a nag, I just want to say: “Please, be a butthole wife.”

I say this as a husband who makes mistakes all the time, even ones he is completely unaware of. I say this as one very sinful man, living with an incredibly sanctifying and gracious woman. I say this as a man who often neglects to love his wife as he should: please, don’t let your husbands be big children. Be a butthole wife.

We are given spouses to sanctify us and shape us into the likeness of Christ, and we do that by being the iron to sharpen the iron of our spouse. Iron on iron. Not soft lead against cold steel. Not soft clay against a hard hand. We are to be one hard substance equal in strength and force to another.

Yes, there is grace, there are little battles and big battles. There are things we should just let slide for the sake of everyone’s sanity. But there are also times when we need to stand up and say “Hey, knock it off.”

If your husband is a slob, who after continually being asked (with politeness, not nagging) to please put his laundry in the hamper, continues to scrap it on the floor, he is not being Christ to you.

If he continuously ignores or downplays your needs in the bedroom and insists on getting sex whenever he wants, however he wants, he is not being Christ to you.

If your husband sits around after work and does nothing but drink beer and watch tv (or lock himself in his study to read theological tomes), he is not being Christ to you.

Your husband is a man, not a child, not a tender lump of flesh unable to withstand a little heat without charring. While he is not a child in age, he is still a sinner and a child of God. You are here to help him grow and become a better, more mature man. This means that he needs your reminders to love you in the ways you need love. If this means he needs to stop leaving his clothes all over the floor, by all means speak up.

Now, I’m not saying you take out a rolling pin and beat him about the head with it. I just get tired of reading books and blogs that insist that “submission” means rolling over and taking it. I get tired of reading so many blogs written for women (by women) telling them to let their husbands be lazy, narcissistic jerks, because “submission”.

22 Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, His body, and is Himself its Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands. (Ephesians 22-24 ESV)

Yes, wives are to submit. Yes, your husband is the head of the home. But he is not the center of the home. He is not the supreme king of the home. He is a delegated authority. He is given his own instructions:

25 Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her, 26 that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, 27 so that He might present the church to Himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. 28 In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, 30 because we are members of His body. 31 “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” 32 This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. 33 However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.” (Ephesians 25-33 ESV)

In Ephesians, God dedicates three (and a half) verses to telling wives to submit, yet He takes eight and a half to explain to husbands how they must treat their wives. The proportion of blogs written to wives on this subject is grossly disproportionate to the posts written to husbands.

1 Peter 3 has a bit more to the wives, instructing them again to be submissive and respectful:

1 Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, 2 when they see your respectful and pure conduct. 3 Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear— 4 but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious. 5 For this is how the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves, by submitting to their own husbands, 6 as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord. And you are her children, if you do good and do not fear anything that is frightening. (1 Peter 3:1-6 ESV)

The husband only gets this verse, but it is packed with depth:

7 Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered. (1 Peter 3:7)

Your husband is called to love you as he loves himself, he’s called to love you as Christ loves the church, he’s called to live in an understanding way with you and honor you. If he does not follow these commands he is sinning.

Laundry is a small thing, dishes left out are a small thing, occasional acts of irresponsibility or forgetfulness are normal and should be given grace. But if a husband is asked multiple times to please be an adult and stop making a mess, I would argue these become big things. If a man cannot respect his wife in these little things, what big things is he missing?

Husbands, it is a small thing, you can do this, please, put your dirty underwear in the hamper. Put your dishes in the sink or wherever your wife asks. Better yet, learn how to do laundry and dishes. Honor and love and cherish your wife by not creating more work for her. Die to yourself and do hard things like putting the toilet seat down. Turn off the TV or put down the book and have a beer with your wife. Talk to her, listen to her, seek to understand every minute detail of her. Know her mind and heart intimately so that you can encourage and sanctify her with the Word and with your words and actions.

Wives, please, be butthole wives. Remind your husband with love and grace that he needs to love you in these small ways. Don’t let him get away with the sin of not loving you as Christ loves the church. Do your duty and be the iron of God in his life. Win him with your conduct, quiet, gentle, respectful, but still reminding him that he is under authority as well. Hide the remote occasionally. Hang a basketball net over the laundry basket (hey it worked for my mom and me). Take his hand during love making and help him explore you intimately. Remind him to do the little things as politely and sweetly as possible and let him be responsible for his ungracious eye-rolling.

Wives: don’t settle for a crap husband, be a butthole wife.

For part 2: https://driptorchpress.wordpress.com/2017/01/10/please-be-part-2/

Advertisements

Author: driptorchpress

Hey, my name is Jon. I'm a married father of five crazy kids. I write about family and marriage, politics, music, art, and pretty much anything else I want to. I hope you enjoy my page as much as I enjoy writing on it. If you like what you read, be sure to "Like" and share my Facebook Page for more good stuff. https://www.facebook.com/DripTorchPress/

9 thoughts on “Please, Be A Butthole Wife”

  1. I don’t think the writer of that blog about the butt whole wife meant to just let your husband be a lazy slob, but to stop and evaluate each situation as it comes. To live in love and accept eachother for our faults rather than try to change each other.
    I have found with the right person you strive to be a better person!

    Like

    1. I think the point here is that you are supposed to change for each other. We are all supposed to be changing all the time to become more like Christ. One of the pernicious lies of our day is that we aren’t supposed to change–that everyone should be accepted how they are, no matter what. We can love people as they are, but it isn’t love if we say, be yourself and remain in your sins and don’t be with me in heaven. Plus, if you love someone you serve them and as you communicate with each other, you should be able to serve more and in better ways and more unselfishly because as you serve you love more. That’s change. Change for your spouse. Become the spouse you should be (even though it takes a lifetime of effort to make it happen).

      Like

      1. Yes!
        Totally agree! When you love someone, your goal is to make them happy and feel loved….please them….have them feel cherished, respected. If you are doing something that you KNOW (and you know, because they’ve told you…repeatedly!), you certainly are NOT showing love. That’s selfishness. It’s important to remember that we all have different likes, dislikes, habits, quirks, ways for things to be done. What bothers my husband may not bother me, but if I KNOW it bothers him and I continue MY way….that is not showing love. When I’m gone, I want my husband (and kids) to remember the ways that I showed I loved him and NOT the ways I annoyed him!

        Like

  2. I have a sincere question. I am tired, and with that tired comes being tired that I am be submissive to my husband and allow him to be head of the house. I believe we should run out house together, but, because so many people in today’s changed society do not change their attitude over the marriage relationship, and of course my husband believes what benefits him, I am in a marriage of 34 years in which I have been the breadwinner for all but 4 of those years. In addition, he does not do anything INSIDE the house. I have to come home from 24 hour shifts, do all the cleaning, picking up, putting away, dishes, cooking, AND he is so glad on the days I am at home because then I can give him a break from the outside chores and insists on doing something away from home every day that I am off. I am tired and tired of trying to get him to see that I need help and respect. As long as this kind of attitude keeps being used to give men the excuse to be dominate over the one who keeps them going, there will be tired, loveless, Christless marriages. Truly we need to find better ways to use the teachings of Christ in marriages. Well, I guess there isn’t a question in all this after all. Perhaps I should have kept my thoughts to myself, like usual.

    Like

    1. Firstly, I’m sorry to hear that. It’s a big pet peeve of mine that men get away with this kind of behavior.
      At this point you have a decision to make. You’ve let him do this for 34 years without consequence. Can he be trained out of it? Are you willing to put your foot down and offer him ultimatums and STOP doing all the housework for him? As long as you keep doing it, he is not going to change. You have enabled him. Now you have to decide whether to fight him or just accept his behavior as normal.
      What does he do all day while your are working? Surely there are not that many outside chores. What would he do if you came home and a shed your own laundry and cooked your own food and did your own dishes? Try it. See what happens. He will either flip out on you or he will eventually step up and change.

      Like

      1. I have tried most of the above….but no, I am not willing to give an ultimatum. As a wife, that would go against everything the modern interpretation bible teaches about a wife/husband relationship. As long as there are those that take the Bible’s words and teach the literal interpretation of a wife being submissive, then those in my situation would feel like they were going against God’s will to give their husband such an ultimatum. If I simply stop doing housework, their is no reflection on him or problem for him. Have you ever heard anyone walk into an unkept home and voice an opinion about the man of the home? In my experience, it not the thought that HE is a slob, but that SHE does not know how to keep house.
        As for me enabling him, I am sure that is true, but I have found no teachings that allow me to behave in any other way that would be acceptable to God. The vows said to “obey” and “for better or worse”….the alternative is just as unacceptable as the way our relationship is now. I feel that I find myself in a no win situation, which leads to frustration any time I read anything that uses the Bible and God’s word in this way. This is just my opinion and I respect those with other opinions. 🙂

        Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s