Daily Thoughts #18

Sometimes you just need a good cry to unclog that emotional constipation that’s been dragging you around for a few weeks.

I’m a far more social creature than I will ever let on. Sometimes being on the side of a mountain gets to your head.

Don’t tailgate people on the way to church, you never know who they might be!

Meal planning and prep for a family of seven is tedious and exhausting. They need to stop growing so much!

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You Know Me

Getting told what I already know

But I deny,

You know me

And make me cry.

You know me.

You know me better than I know me,

You read all the lines I try to hide in the book of my mind,

Without me speaking a single word.

You see my actions and know my motives,

When I am unaware I acted at all.

You add flesh to the bones of my thought,

Even the thoughts I didn’t know I had

Until you poked them out.

You know my fears,

My insecurities,

And when I share,

My ambitions.

You know my needs,

Though not my wants,

Which I only tell in extreme conditions.

You know me,

Though I hardly seem to know you at all.

I’ve spent too much time navel gazing.

Too much time inside,

Always hearing but never listening,

With ears plugged with pride.

You know me,

I thought I knew me,

But I lied.

I don’t know anyone really.

Daily Thoughts #17

Doubt, fear, and worry are all things I can control. Anxious thoughts are the antithesis of faith and feeding them only demonstrates a lack of it.

When your to-do list is a mile long, just breathe and do it. If you run into something you can’t do, it’s not the end of everything. Move on to what you can.

Some people thrive on chaos. I do not. While it is a good thing to come out of chaos stronger, I don’t really understand the people who seek out chaos just for the growth from it.

Daily Thoughts #16

I am not a fan of quotes about marriage. Like Paul Washer quotes they are frequently out of context and incomplete, leaving you angry instead of informed.

If you think something is going to be simple, you probably don’t fully understand it.

Sometimes you just need an extra hour of sleep and the world seems better. Not perfect, but better.

Silver linings…. Looking for silver linings…

If you like my paintings/photography/blogs, please follow me!

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And many of my images are available as prints on my Artpal page @ https://www.artpal.com/driptorchstudio

Stabbing Anxiety In the Face With a Soldering Iron, Part 1

Panic attacks, overwhelming urges to freak out, dark thoughts, emotional numbness, emotional rage: good times in the life of an anxiety ridden mind.

As I mentioned on Wednesday, I have managed to get a hold on my anxiety this year. Sure, it rears its nasty head sometimes (like yesterday and today, ironically), but it’s so much better than it once was.

So how have I managed it?

Anxiety has two different parts to it, at least mine does, one is a physical part, the other is mental.

The physical part frequently manifests itself as a feeling of dread. I get a tightness in my chest, my heart races, every stimulus becomes overwhelming, and I get an urge to move and yell and just generally explode. It can happen any time, but often after a ton of overstimulation or too much caffeine.

The mental is a bit more difficult to describe. Most people use the word “anxiety” to describe worried thoughts. But what I have experienced is a bit more than that. I had utter dread of future events, inability to think positively about anything, always searching for the negative. I create a hundred scenarios in my head and find every single negative possibility, every single thing that can go wrong, and every reason why those things don’t have a solution. My worry goes beyond the simplicity of “what shall I wear?” or “what will I eat?”

The thing is I know all things will turn out. Intuitively I know God cares for me and will provide. I know I am saved by His grace and I will some day be in Heaven with Him. I’m just not a huge fan of the wait.

But as I read in a quote this week if salvation was merely about attaining heaven we’d have a long gap between baptism and our funeral. God has given me the mind that I have and the personality that I have. He knows that my struggles with my mind and personality will drive me to Him. I sin far too much because my mind wanders….

But I digress. This post is not so much about how I don’t trust as much as it is about how I have learned to trust.

Trust takes care of the mental, I’ll get back to that in Part 2. But first let’s tackle the physical.

I’m not a doctor, so don’t take this as medical advice without talking to your doctor and doing your own research. This is just what has worked for me.

First, herbal supplements. I take a regimine of passion flower, lemon balm, chamomile, vitamin B, and CBD oil. On top of that I take a multivitamin. The dosage varies depending on how I feel, I may increase on particularly stressful days or decrease when I feel better.

They took awhile to start working but when they did it was a complete change. I actually had a ton of difficulty getting used to having feelings again. My anxiety had numbed me to so much when I actually had clarity it was scary to navigate.

Exercise. This is always the standard answer from most people. “Work out and you’ll feel great!” It doesn’t work like that for me, but combined with the above regimine I find it does wonders. When I stop doing the herbal remedies, or I stop working out, I find it much more difficult to get through the hard times. Panic attacks come back, my focus wanders, and I just generally have a bad time.

That would explain this week…

I also drink a little. I know it’s taboo to recommend alcohol as some people can get addicted. But I find one drink of wine or spirits can sometimes settle my mind enough to help me think clearly. If you are the type of person who struggles with addiction, definitely don’t go this route, but if you can control your appetite then moderate consumption may help you.

Diet has also been a great help. I cut back on sugar and processed junk. I reduced my caffeine intake. I started eating more “real” food. It was a night and day difference. I felt less sluggish. When your body feels good, it’s mush easier for your mind to go along with it.

For acute attacks I have found lavender to be particularly helpful. You can drink it as a tea (chamomile too) or diffuse the essential oil in your room. We also have a lavender lotion that is great for rubbing down tense muscles. Another great essential oil is Palo Santo. Diffuse it with lavender and you’re almost guaranteed to fall asleep!

As I said, I am not a doctor, so don’t take this advice as Gospel. I just have found these things to help with my generalized anxiety. If you have more severe anxiety, or depression, or other mental health issues, these may not work for you.

Next time I will discuss what I have done to get the thoughts under control.

Daily Thoughts #15

My temporal comfort is way more important to me than it is to God. He knows exactly where to poke me to get me moving towards Him and away from my sinfulness.

Even the YouTube school of mechanics can’t teach you everything.

I’m tired…

Dressing well is surprisingly good for one’s spirits. It’s amazing how wearing clothes that fit and look good can make you feel better about yourself.

Daily Thoughts #14

I missed a day…. I’m not perfect. I’m OK with that.

I think too much. Or maybe I feel too much. Or both. Which is OK too. I just can’t allow those habits to lead me to sin.

Pride and Narcissism are the flip side of the shame and self-deprecating coin. It is an ugly coin and I hope to remove it from the piggy bank of my life.